Hi! Not sure how to start this blog so I’m just going to
jump right in.
FYI, this is going to be super personal, but I feel like it needs to be shared. Maybe this message will mean something to you in some way or another. Maybe it will give you hope to keep on truckin’ <3
Or maybe it will give you inspiration to be more compassionate because you will NEVER know what is truly going on behind someone beyond what you see.
I was originally going to post a video on my channel but decided against it.
The first one was a wreck with no direction and sense of purpose. I was all over the place.
In the middle of editing, frustrated out of mind trimming and splitting and mixing… God guided me in the right direction and said, “Start over with this purpose in mind.”
So I did. But I still felt like I wasn’t delivering the message right. And now I’m here. Blogging about it :P
I wanted to forego this altogether but God has been relentless about this so I’m going to put it all out there for the world to know.
Some of you may know but I was in a horrible marriage – A very unhealthy relationship that I thought, at the time, was worth fighting for.
I grew up in a Christian household. I grew up very much involved in my church – Singing in the praise band, occasionally playing my violin for church events, volunteering, all that stuff – I spent a lot of my time at church and I enjoyed serving God. But when I met my ex, I stopped going to church. My faith was still present but it grew very weak. My relationship with God became distant.
It may seem irrelevant sharing my religious background but it holds so much power over how things played out in my life.
Because when I met my ex, I got pregnant at 19, full heartedly believing he was the one.
And that’s when my life became upside down despite the two delightful blessings I have received.
I was told my kids will go to hell by people I thought were my friends for having premarital sex.
I was told >>> I <<< would go to hell.
So naturally, I stopped going to church altogether.
Needless to say, the relationship with my ex grew worse and worse.
There were times when I locked myself and the kids in the bathroom because I was scared of him.
I felt cheated, neglected, hurt, scared and my confidence dwindled away.
I have never felt so uncertain, doubtful, and worthless of myself.
I gave him every bit of myself as I can. Only to have had it go unnoticed or returned with criticism.
I worked HARD for his approval. I worked hard for his happiness.
I changed so much for him that I had completely lost myself.
So the reason behind this blog is because last November, I almost committed suicide.
That night, I did everything I could to make my ex happy – simple things, ya know? Getting the kids out so he can sleep in peace and quiet. Making his favorite breakfast, lunch, dinner (probably went out on a fast food run for him), etc. There was no reason behind it. Just felt like being extra thoughtful and caring towards a man who worked hard for his family. As he was getting ready to leave for work, I cheerfully told him to have a good night at work.
Not so much as a glance in my way was made. He said nothing and slammed the door as he left.
No idea why he felt so angry. No idea what I did wrong. I fell to my knees and sobbed.
FYI, this is going to be super personal, but I feel like it needs to be shared. Maybe this message will mean something to you in some way or another. Maybe it will give you hope to keep on truckin’ <3
Or maybe it will give you inspiration to be more compassionate because you will NEVER know what is truly going on behind someone beyond what you see.
I was originally going to post a video on my channel but decided against it.
The first one was a wreck with no direction and sense of purpose. I was all over the place.
In the middle of editing, frustrated out of mind trimming and splitting and mixing… God guided me in the right direction and said, “Start over with this purpose in mind.”
So I did. But I still felt like I wasn’t delivering the message right. And now I’m here. Blogging about it :P
I wanted to forego this altogether but God has been relentless about this so I’m going to put it all out there for the world to know.
Some of you may know but I was in a horrible marriage – A very unhealthy relationship that I thought, at the time, was worth fighting for.
I grew up in a Christian household. I grew up very much involved in my church – Singing in the praise band, occasionally playing my violin for church events, volunteering, all that stuff – I spent a lot of my time at church and I enjoyed serving God. But when I met my ex, I stopped going to church. My faith was still present but it grew very weak. My relationship with God became distant.
It may seem irrelevant sharing my religious background but it holds so much power over how things played out in my life.
Because when I met my ex, I got pregnant at 19, full heartedly believing he was the one.
And that’s when my life became upside down despite the two delightful blessings I have received.
I was told my kids will go to hell by people I thought were my friends for having premarital sex.
I was told >>> I <<< would go to hell.
So naturally, I stopped going to church altogether.
Needless to say, the relationship with my ex grew worse and worse.
There were times when I locked myself and the kids in the bathroom because I was scared of him.
I felt cheated, neglected, hurt, scared and my confidence dwindled away.
I have never felt so uncertain, doubtful, and worthless of myself.
I gave him every bit of myself as I can. Only to have had it go unnoticed or returned with criticism.
I worked HARD for his approval. I worked hard for his happiness.
I changed so much for him that I had completely lost myself.
So the reason behind this blog is because last November, I almost committed suicide.
That night, I did everything I could to make my ex happy – simple things, ya know? Getting the kids out so he can sleep in peace and quiet. Making his favorite breakfast, lunch, dinner (probably went out on a fast food run for him), etc. There was no reason behind it. Just felt like being extra thoughtful and caring towards a man who worked hard for his family. As he was getting ready to leave for work, I cheerfully told him to have a good night at work.
Not so much as a glance in my way was made. He said nothing and slammed the door as he left.
No idea why he felt so angry. No idea what I did wrong. I fell to my knees and sobbed.
That was just one incident of MANY. 8 years of feeling
unwanted and neglected.
That night was the pushing point.
I have had suicidal thoughts before and I was able to push the thought away – “Don’t be ridiculous. There are people going through worse. Snap out of it.”
But not this time. I was done. I had nothing else to give.
I gave my all and I was running on empty.
I started planning my way out.
I knew where and how I was going to do it so that my kids wouldn’t be the one to find me dead.
I wasn’t going to send some obscure good bye message because I didn’t want to be interrupted.
But the thought of my kids being alone. Leaving my kids to grow up with my ex… not a chance.
My kids kept me going. God was the one that gave me hope.
Because November wasn’t the only time I almost went through with it.
My connection with God was always there. It wasn’t strong but in that moment, I could hear him:
“Stop! I forgive you. I forgave you the first time you asked for forgiveness. Leave! I WANT you to be happy.”
Because you guys, when I was told how badly I messed up, I didn’t want to mess up again by getting a “divorce.”
I didn’t want to disappoint God twice. I tried and fought so hard to make things work because I didn’t want to make the follow-up mistake of breaking up a family.
I heard him telling me to leave before but I always thought it was Satan putting ideas in my head.
When we had our last fight this past May, my ex yelled at me to pack up and leave. That he was done with me. He disposed of me so easily like I was just trash.
And that’s when I heard, LOUD AND CLEAR you guys, like thunder, soul trembling: NOW! NOW! LEAVE NOW! THIS IS YOUR CHANCE! GO!
I never heard him so loud.. I never FELT him in my heart and soul as strong as I did then.
And so I did.
Any other time, I would have begged to stay. I would have told him I will try harder and change.
But this time? I put all my faith in God and did as I was told.
And the SECOND I accepted it… I didn’t feel sadness. I didn’t feel hurt. I didn’t feel scared. All my doubts of, “But how will I make it? What am I going to do? What about my kids? It wouldn’t be fair to them,” it was all was GONE.
I felt HAPPY. I felt RELIEVED. I felt EXCITED. Emotions I didn’t think I would feel leaving a man I worked so hard to be with.
Every moment that built up to that moment and every moment after, God was present.
Whether I knew it or not.
It’s CRAZY how God works.
Because he planted the right people and the right opportunities in my life to make this work in ways I couldn’t understand in the moment. I couldn’t even see it.
Friends who gave me emotional, spiritual, and financial support at just the perfect moment.
Having the courage to come out and talk to my mom about wanting to leave- I don’t have the best relationship with her. I keep my life closed off to my parents for the most part. But she CRIED and told me SHE felt relieved that I wanted out and that she had my back.
Signing up for classes before I even anticipated leaving and having finances come through to afford an attorney.
Meeting an amazing woman of God last year who prayed for me and gave me such encouraging words and brought me back closer to God
New friends who gave me support in helping me finding an attorney, giving me the number to the suicide prevention hotline, and the best hugs ever.
Having a past employer who was supportive of me and gave me a job to help make ends meet.
Meeting my current coach who is helping me succeed in my business. A business that God presented to me 2-3 years ago.
Simply stating these events do not do justice to how AMAZING God has been to me. Because the emotions of feeling backed up to a wall, feeling scared and doubtful, wondering if I’ll be okay, wondering how I’m going to get by just for that day, having that fear of survival… he provided at such a perfect moment, that precinct moment of such a “last minute” miracle followed by emotions of thankfulness and relief is unfathomable. Each event itself holds a story of fear, its own set of challenges, hard choices that had to be made, and a resolution.
He worked in so many ways from the beginning to get me to this point in my life and he is STILL very much present in my life.
If I had ended my life, it would have marked a year of being gone.
My kids would be without a mother. This would have been their first Thanksgiving without me.
This time last year, I couldn’t see happiness in my future. I couldn’t see hope.
I was in the darkest place in my life.
Now? I’m FULL of life. I see SO MUCH hope for me and my kids.
I see a FUTURE.
God has this amazing, beautiful, astounding love but I went the other way and looked for something so secular and limited. All that energy, effort, money, time.. all that time I gave myself up to my ex… ALL of that should have gone to God. I surrendered to my ex the way I should have surrendered to God.
My lesson learned was that God ALWAYS needs to come first. And I feel like he had me go through this relationship so that I could learn and share about his amazing love and mercy.
I know it sounds cheesy but there is no way to put in words how I heard God and how I felt him.
And how I also didn’t hear him and feel him when I needed him most but he still came through to rebuild my faith.
I feel like I am on this journey as a mother, a business owner and a servant of God and it all just goes hand in hand.
Because of it wasn’t for this Beachbody coaching opportunity, I wouldn’t have made the friends that I made, I wouldn’t have had the courage to start making youtube videos and blogging again in the first place which in turn wouldn’t have given me this opportunity to share my story of how God saved me.
Whatever tools he has given me, I will use to glorify God.
With that being said, it’s Thanksgiving tomorrow.
This year, I am thankful for my life. This year, I am thankful for my kids. This year, I’m thankful for my friends and family. This year, I am thankful for having God in my life again. I’m thankful for his love, mercy, and guidance.
For anyone who feel like they’re in that dark place. Don’t give up.
LOOK for the reasons to live, not the reasons to give up.
God has amazing plans for you.
Look to him and keep faith.
If you need anyone to talk to or have any prayer request, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me.
Love ya guys and God bless <3
Lex
That night was the pushing point.
I have had suicidal thoughts before and I was able to push the thought away – “Don’t be ridiculous. There are people going through worse. Snap out of it.”
But not this time. I was done. I had nothing else to give.
I gave my all and I was running on empty.
I started planning my way out.
I knew where and how I was going to do it so that my kids wouldn’t be the one to find me dead.
I wasn’t going to send some obscure good bye message because I didn’t want to be interrupted.
But the thought of my kids being alone. Leaving my kids to grow up with my ex… not a chance.
My kids kept me going. God was the one that gave me hope.
Because November wasn’t the only time I almost went through with it.
My connection with God was always there. It wasn’t strong but in that moment, I could hear him:
“Stop! I forgive you. I forgave you the first time you asked for forgiveness. Leave! I WANT you to be happy.”
Because you guys, when I was told how badly I messed up, I didn’t want to mess up again by getting a “divorce.”
I didn’t want to disappoint God twice. I tried and fought so hard to make things work because I didn’t want to make the follow-up mistake of breaking up a family.
I heard him telling me to leave before but I always thought it was Satan putting ideas in my head.
When we had our last fight this past May, my ex yelled at me to pack up and leave. That he was done with me. He disposed of me so easily like I was just trash.
And that’s when I heard, LOUD AND CLEAR you guys, like thunder, soul trembling: NOW! NOW! LEAVE NOW! THIS IS YOUR CHANCE! GO!
I never heard him so loud.. I never FELT him in my heart and soul as strong as I did then.
And so I did.
Any other time, I would have begged to stay. I would have told him I will try harder and change.
But this time? I put all my faith in God and did as I was told.
And the SECOND I accepted it… I didn’t feel sadness. I didn’t feel hurt. I didn’t feel scared. All my doubts of, “But how will I make it? What am I going to do? What about my kids? It wouldn’t be fair to them,” it was all was GONE.
I felt HAPPY. I felt RELIEVED. I felt EXCITED. Emotions I didn’t think I would feel leaving a man I worked so hard to be with.
Every moment that built up to that moment and every moment after, God was present.
Whether I knew it or not.
It’s CRAZY how God works.
Because he planted the right people and the right opportunities in my life to make this work in ways I couldn’t understand in the moment. I couldn’t even see it.
Friends who gave me emotional, spiritual, and financial support at just the perfect moment.
Having the courage to come out and talk to my mom about wanting to leave- I don’t have the best relationship with her. I keep my life closed off to my parents for the most part. But she CRIED and told me SHE felt relieved that I wanted out and that she had my back.
Signing up for classes before I even anticipated leaving and having finances come through to afford an attorney.
Meeting an amazing woman of God last year who prayed for me and gave me such encouraging words and brought me back closer to God
New friends who gave me support in helping me finding an attorney, giving me the number to the suicide prevention hotline, and the best hugs ever.
Having a past employer who was supportive of me and gave me a job to help make ends meet.
Meeting my current coach who is helping me succeed in my business. A business that God presented to me 2-3 years ago.
Simply stating these events do not do justice to how AMAZING God has been to me. Because the emotions of feeling backed up to a wall, feeling scared and doubtful, wondering if I’ll be okay, wondering how I’m going to get by just for that day, having that fear of survival… he provided at such a perfect moment, that precinct moment of such a “last minute” miracle followed by emotions of thankfulness and relief is unfathomable. Each event itself holds a story of fear, its own set of challenges, hard choices that had to be made, and a resolution.
He worked in so many ways from the beginning to get me to this point in my life and he is STILL very much present in my life.
If I had ended my life, it would have marked a year of being gone.
My kids would be without a mother. This would have been their first Thanksgiving without me.
This time last year, I couldn’t see happiness in my future. I couldn’t see hope.
I was in the darkest place in my life.
Now? I’m FULL of life. I see SO MUCH hope for me and my kids.
I see a FUTURE.
God has this amazing, beautiful, astounding love but I went the other way and looked for something so secular and limited. All that energy, effort, money, time.. all that time I gave myself up to my ex… ALL of that should have gone to God. I surrendered to my ex the way I should have surrendered to God.
My lesson learned was that God ALWAYS needs to come first. And I feel like he had me go through this relationship so that I could learn and share about his amazing love and mercy.
I know it sounds cheesy but there is no way to put in words how I heard God and how I felt him.
And how I also didn’t hear him and feel him when I needed him most but he still came through to rebuild my faith.
I feel like I am on this journey as a mother, a business owner and a servant of God and it all just goes hand in hand.
Because of it wasn’t for this Beachbody coaching opportunity, I wouldn’t have made the friends that I made, I wouldn’t have had the courage to start making youtube videos and blogging again in the first place which in turn wouldn’t have given me this opportunity to share my story of how God saved me.
Whatever tools he has given me, I will use to glorify God.
With that being said, it’s Thanksgiving tomorrow.
This year, I am thankful for my life. This year, I am thankful for my kids. This year, I’m thankful for my friends and family. This year, I am thankful for having God in my life again. I’m thankful for his love, mercy, and guidance.
For anyone who feel like they’re in that dark place. Don’t give up.
LOOK for the reasons to live, not the reasons to give up.
God has amazing plans for you.
Look to him and keep faith.
If you need anyone to talk to or have any prayer request, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me.
Love ya guys and God bless <3
Lex
I had no idea you were going through something so awful. Thank you for holding on to your strength to use in a time of need. Healing and growth takes time but with every breath the darkness can be exalted to make room for more light and life.
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