Keep Calm and Let God

Hi! Not sure how to start this blog so I’m just going to jump right in.

FYI, this is going to be super personal, but I feel like it needs to be shared. Maybe this message will mean something to you in some way or another. Maybe it will give you hope to keep on truckin’ <3
Or maybe it will give you inspiration to be more compassionate because you will NEVER know what is truly going on behind someone beyond what you see.

I was originally going to post a video on my channel but decided against it.
The first one was a wreck with no direction and sense of purpose. I was all over the place.
In the middle of editing, frustrated out of mind trimming and splitting and mixing… God guided me in the right direction and said, “Start over with this purpose in mind.”

So I did. But I still felt like I wasn’t delivering the message right. And now I’m here. Blogging about it :P

I wanted to forego this altogether but God has been relentless about this so I’m going to put it all out there for the world to know.

Some of you may know but I was in a horrible marriage – A very unhealthy relationship that I thought, at the time, was worth fighting for.

I grew up in a Christian household. I grew up very much involved in my church – Singing in the praise band, occasionally playing my violin for church events, volunteering, all that stuff – I spent a lot of my time at church and I enjoyed serving God. But when I met my ex, I stopped going to church. My faith was still present but it grew very weak. My relationship with God became distant.

It may seem irrelevant sharing my religious background but it holds so much power over how things played out in my life.
Because when I met my ex, I got pregnant at 19, full heartedly believing he was the one.
And that’s when my life became upside down despite the two delightful blessings I have received.

 I was told my kids will go to hell by people I thought were my friends for having premarital sex.
I was told >>> I <<< would go to hell.
So naturally, I stopped going to church altogether.

Needless to say, the relationship with my ex grew worse and worse.
There were times when I locked myself and the kids in the bathroom because I was scared of him.
 I felt cheated, neglected, hurt, scared and my confidence dwindled away.
I have never felt so uncertain, doubtful, and worthless of myself.
I gave him every bit of myself as I can. Only to have had it go unnoticed or returned with criticism.
I worked HARD for his approval. I worked hard for his happiness.
I changed so much for him that I had completely lost myself.

So the reason behind this blog is because last November, I almost committed suicide.
That night, I did everything I could to make my ex happy – simple things, ya know? Getting the kids out so he can sleep in peace and quiet. Making his favorite breakfast, lunch, dinner (probably went out on a fast food run for him), etc. There was no reason behind it. Just felt like being extra thoughtful and caring towards a man who worked hard for his family. As he was getting ready to leave for work, I cheerfully told him to have a good night at work.
Not so much as a glance in my way was made. He said nothing and slammed the door as he left.

No idea why he felt so angry. No idea what I did wrong. I fell to my knees and sobbed.

That was just one incident of MANY. 8 years of feeling unwanted and neglected.
That night was the pushing point.
I have had suicidal thoughts before and I was able to push the thought away – “Don’t be ridiculous. There are people going through worse. Snap out of it.”

But not this time. I was done. I had nothing else to give.
I gave my all and I was running on empty.

I started planning my way out.
I knew where and how I was going to do it so that my kids wouldn’t be the one to find me dead.
I wasn’t going to send some obscure good bye message because I didn’t want to be interrupted.

But the thought of my kids being alone. Leaving my kids to grow up with my ex… not a chance.
My kids kept me going. God was the one that gave me hope.
Because November wasn’t the only time I almost went through with it.

My connection with God was always there. It wasn’t strong but in that moment, I could hear him:
“Stop! I forgive you. I forgave you the first time you asked for forgiveness. Leave! I WANT you to be happy.”

Because you guys, when I was told how badly I messed up, I didn’t want to mess up again by getting a “divorce.”

I didn’t want to disappoint God twice. I tried and fought so hard to make things work because I didn’t want to make the follow-up mistake of breaking up a family.

I heard him telling me to leave before but I always thought it was Satan putting ideas in my head.
When we had our last fight this past May, my ex yelled at me to pack up and leave. That he was done with me. He disposed of me so easily like I was just trash.

And that’s when I heard, LOUD AND CLEAR you guys, like thunder, soul trembling: NOW! NOW! LEAVE NOW! THIS IS YOUR CHANCE! GO!
I never heard him so loud.. I never FELT him in my heart and soul as strong as I did then.
And so I did.
Any other time, I would have begged to stay. I would have told him I will try harder and change.
But this time? I put all my faith in God and did as I was told.

And the SECOND I accepted it… I didn’t feel sadness. I didn’t feel hurt. I didn’t feel scared. All my doubts of, “But how will I make it? What am I going to do? What about my kids? It wouldn’t be fair to them,” it was all was GONE.
I felt HAPPY. I felt RELIEVED. I felt EXCITED. Emotions I didn’t think I would feel leaving a man I worked so hard to be with.

Every moment that built up to that moment and every moment after, God was present.
Whether I knew it or not.
It’s CRAZY how God works.
 
Because he planted the right people and the right opportunities in my life to make this work in ways I couldn’t understand in the moment. I couldn’t even see it.
Friends who gave me emotional, spiritual, and financial support at just the perfect moment.
Having the courage to come out and talk to my mom about wanting to leave- I don’t have the best relationship with her. I keep my life closed off to my parents for the most part. But she CRIED and told me SHE felt relieved that I wanted out and that she had my back.
Signing up for classes before I even anticipated leaving and having finances come through to afford an attorney.
Meeting an amazing woman of God last year who prayed for me and gave me such encouraging words and brought me back closer to God
New friends who gave me support in helping me finding an attorney, giving me the number to the suicide prevention hotline, and the best hugs ever.
Having a past employer who was supportive of me and gave me a job to help make ends meet.
Meeting my current coach who is helping me succeed in my business. A business that God presented to me 2-3 years ago.

Simply stating these events do not do justice to how AMAZING God has been to me. Because the emotions of feeling backed up to a wall, feeling scared and doubtful, wondering if I’ll be okay, wondering how I’m going to get by just for that day, having that fear of survival… he provided at such a perfect moment, that precinct moment of such a “last minute” miracle followed by emotions of thankfulness and relief is unfathomable. Each event itself holds a story of fear, its own set of challenges, hard choices that had to be made, and a resolution.

He worked in so many ways from the beginning to get me to this point in my life and he is STILL very much present in my life.

If I had ended my life, it would have marked a year of being gone.
My kids would be without a mother. This would have been their first Thanksgiving without me.

This time last year, I couldn’t see happiness in my future. I couldn’t see hope.
I was in the darkest place in my life.
Now? I’m FULL of life. I see SO MUCH hope for me and my kids.
I see a FUTURE.

God has this amazing, beautiful, astounding love but I went the other way and looked for something so secular and limited. All that energy, effort, money, time.. all that time I gave myself up to my ex… ALL of that should have gone to God. I surrendered to my ex the way I should have surrendered to God.

My lesson learned was that God ALWAYS needs to come first. And I feel like he had me go through this relationship so that I could learn and share about his amazing love and mercy.

I know it sounds cheesy but there is no way to put in words how I heard God and how I felt him.
And how I also didn’t hear him and feel him when I needed him most but he still came through to rebuild my faith.

I feel like I am on this journey as a mother, a business owner and a servant of God and it all just goes hand in hand.

Because of it wasn’t for this Beachbody coaching opportunity, I wouldn’t have made the friends that I made, I wouldn’t have had the courage to start making youtube videos and blogging again in the first place which in turn wouldn’t have given me this opportunity to share my story of how God saved me.

Whatever tools he has given me, I will use to glorify God.

With that being said, it’s Thanksgiving tomorrow.
This year, I am thankful for my life. This year, I am thankful for my kids.  This year, I’m thankful for my friends and family. This year, I am thankful for having God in my life again. I’m thankful for his love, mercy, and guidance.

For anyone who feel like they’re in that dark place. Don’t give up.
LOOK for the reasons to live, not the reasons to give up.
God has amazing plans for you.
Look to him and keep faith.

If you need anyone to talk to or have any prayer request, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me.

Love ya guys and God bless <3
           Lex

The Single Life Hit Me Like a Ton of Bricks

Since I have left my ex, I have been doing what I can to rebuild my friendships, catch up with the world, and catch up with myself.
This includes BBQ’s, my kids’ friend’s birthdays, my friend's birthdays, their kids' birthdays, dinners, movies, and all that jazz.
I was invited to go swimming a few weeks ago by my friend.
Without a second thought, I said, “Yes!” Got my kids ready, got myself ready, and off we went!
I was having a great time until, for some reason (I swear I have ADD lol), it just hit me like a ton of bricks: I realized how HAPPY I felt.

Maybe I was too dependent but when I went to celebrations and get-togethers while married, I always felt alone.
Everyone else seemed like they were there with their boyfriends/girlfriends or husbands/wives and there I was... by myself with the kids.

“So glad you could make it!”
“Sure! Thanks for inviting me!”
“Where is your husband?”
“Oh, he’s sleeping because he has work tonight.”
“Oh, bummer! Maybe next time!”

That conversation was repeated a HUNDRED times.
And those HUNDREDS of times, was always a lie.
Because he was never sleeping. He was doing his own thing.
Because the last few years, he had the weekends off but I still handed out that excuse because he simply didn’t want to go.

It’s not to say he doesn’t deserve some alone time or time to rest. Any man working hard to provide for his family deserves some down time… including women. haha
But in the 8-9 years that we have been together for, he’s still a mystery to most of the people in my life.
No one knows who he is.

Back to the point, now that I’m single, I feel more…. Whatever the opposite of what lonely would be.
I actually enjoy my time with my friends instead of wishing that he was there or feeling bad that I’m out while he’s at home by himself.  
I don’t have to rush home to make him a separate dinner or go on a food run for him.
I can do whatever and go wherever I please without feeling rejected by him.
I can go on adventures and make memories without feeling guilty.

I enjoy my time being ALONE. I enjoy having the freedom to take my kids where I want spontaneously.

Maybe this was my own demise. Maybe I was too dependent. Maybe I expected too much.
As an introvert and someone with social anxiety, I do like having someone to use as a crutch, not gonna lie (I do make the effort to put myself out there though, crutch or not).
But all I know is that I don’t FEEL “single”. I’m now INTENTIONALLY single. And it feels great!
The statement is true: It is better to be alone than being with someone who makes you feel alone.

I am FAR from feeling alone now.
I have myself, my kids, my family, and my friends.
When the right guy comes along, he’ll be a part of that equation.

But for now, I’m single and lovin’ it.

HAPPINESS hit me like a ton of bricks.

Moral of the story: Choose happiness. Believe it or not, YOU have control. You have the power to make choices - from making the best of a situation to changing the situation.

Until next time!
   Yeon

Letting Go: It's Okay, Embrace the Change.

Through all that I've experienced in the last five years or so of my marriage and its end in the summer, I learned that it's okay to let things go.

Things happen. Things change. Life moves on.
What I'm saying is that it's okay if some of the things you have held dearly, loved, and enjoyed are left behind.

And I'm not just talking love or relationships.
I'm talking friendships, careers, and hobbies.
At some point, you had to let go of sleeping with your favorite teddy bear as a child.
Don't deny it, it was hard. But it got to that point where you had to let go and be a "big kid" now.

Sometimes, we outgrow our circumstances.
Maybe your relationship has grown stale. And you put in the effort to keep it alive. But it just wasn't working.
Maybe your career has become easy. You clock in. You clock out. It became meaningless.
Maybe some of the things you used to enjoy doesn't bring you as much excitement as it used to.

I once knew a girl who was so much into dinosaurs. From five years old through middle school.
It was all she talked about. Her face lit up, her eyes glazed in wonderment - it was clear it was a big part of her life. We all talked about how she would become a paleontologist or maybe a zoologist. Now? It's a thing of the past. She is actually aiming to be an interior designer now. Who woulda thunk it!

As we face different struggles and victories, it only makes sense that as our souls experience life, it yearns for growth.

I wholeheartedly believe that we NEED challenges.
I also believe that we are placed here for a reason.
The challenges that we face is our way of learning what we are capable of, where our strength lies, and what our purpose is, which in the end is to leave the world a better place in our own unique way.

I'm still discovering mine. I feel that for some people, it's innate and for others, they recognize their purpose sooner.
I'm one of those who are still searching.
But slowly and surely, I'm on my way.

I'm learning that as you unveil your life purpose, you have the choice to shed the unnecessary weight - The negative friends, the job that's holding you back taking up all your time and energy, the negative families, the backstabbers, gossiping associates, a negative relationship, etc.
I'm also learning that you yourself need to change from the inside. What's your end goal? What sort of spiritual make-over do you need to do?
You can't aim to leave the world a better a place with negativity and hatred in your heart.

I've learned that it takes time to let things go. It's not easy to leave things behind, whether it's a person, place, or thing, even if you know it's for the better. It can be scary and hard, especially during the process of ending things and enduring and welcoming the future without it. But it's like ripping off a Band-Aid: the sooner the better. But it's easier said than done - I've been there.

You don't have to believe in what I do. You don't have to believe that there's something greater you are meant to do or be. You don't have to believe in life purposes or soul searching.
But just know that, regardless of what you believe in, what your situation is, or where you are in life... it's okay to move forward. It's okay to end a chapter in your book, or heck, a whole series or volume. Your story will continue.
Learn. Grow. Change.

'til next time <3
  Yeon

What the Heck Am I Doing?

Long time no blog!
Over 2 years in fact.

And here I am, because I started to reminisce about that "one time I used to blog."

Honestly, I dabbled in YouTube here and there and started up a new blog a couple times just to "start fresh" in the last two years... had new blog names going and all that jazz.. but revisiting my old blog.. THIS blog... Life of a Yeon is the most accurate blog name.

I enjoy too many things, think too many thoughts, wear too many hats, have the desire to do too many things.. to give it a single name that fits it all.

I'm simply me. Simply Yeon.

So what's new? Here's a glimpse - perhaps I'll go into more details into each of these events in the future ;)

The BIGGEST news I have is that I am going through a divorce.
Dun. Dun. Dun.

I have a full-time job now! :D
I work with preschoolers in a school district that I am proud to be a part of and have also grew up in.

I also work 2 other jobs.

I went to college for 6+ years and.... I still have no degree.
Quite honestly, I'm not quite sure what I want to do with my life.
Advocate for the young girls in this generation?
Teach dance?
Something fitness related?
Empower women?
I may have an idea of some sorts but not sure how to go about achieving them.
But I'll figure it out. I hope.

I fell off the wagon BIG time and weigh 170 pounds.. again.
Last time I weighed 170 pounds, I was pregnant with Jade.

I live with my parents.

I have three tattoos and I want two more.

In some ways, I feel like I'm going backwards with my life.
But in other ways, I have never felt so liberated and have never felt like this is just the beginning for me with new adventures to look forward to.

Anywho.
That's all for now.
I may or may not return... who knows..
The suspense is overwhelming for me too :P

Until, maybe, next time!

Sincerely,
   Yeon