The Single Life Hit Me Like a Ton of Bricks

Since I have left my ex, I have been doing what I can to rebuild my friendships, catch up with the world, and catch up with myself.
This includes BBQ’s, my kids’ friend’s birthdays, my friend's birthdays, their kids' birthdays, dinners, movies, and all that jazz.
I was invited to go swimming a few weeks ago by my friend.
Without a second thought, I said, “Yes!” Got my kids ready, got myself ready, and off we went!
I was having a great time until, for some reason (I swear I have ADD lol), it just hit me like a ton of bricks: I realized how HAPPY I felt.

Maybe I was too dependent but when I went to celebrations and get-togethers while married, I always felt alone.
Everyone else seemed like they were there with their boyfriends/girlfriends or husbands/wives and there I was... by myself with the kids.

“So glad you could make it!”
“Sure! Thanks for inviting me!”
“Where is your husband?”
“Oh, he’s sleeping because he has work tonight.”
“Oh, bummer! Maybe next time!”

That conversation was repeated a HUNDRED times.
And those HUNDREDS of times, was always a lie.
Because he was never sleeping. He was doing his own thing.
Because the last few years, he had the weekends off but I still handed out that excuse because he simply didn’t want to go.

It’s not to say he doesn’t deserve some alone time or time to rest. Any man working hard to provide for his family deserves some down time… including women. haha
But in the 8-9 years that we have been together for, he’s still a mystery to most of the people in my life.
No one knows who he is.

Back to the point, now that I’m single, I feel more…. Whatever the opposite of what lonely would be.
I actually enjoy my time with my friends instead of wishing that he was there or feeling bad that I’m out while he’s at home by himself.  
I don’t have to rush home to make him a separate dinner or go on a food run for him.
I can do whatever and go wherever I please without feeling rejected by him.
I can go on adventures and make memories without feeling guilty.

I enjoy my time being ALONE. I enjoy having the freedom to take my kids where I want spontaneously.

Maybe this was my own demise. Maybe I was too dependent. Maybe I expected too much.
As an introvert and someone with social anxiety, I do like having someone to use as a crutch, not gonna lie (I do make the effort to put myself out there though, crutch or not).
But all I know is that I don’t FEEL “single”. I’m now INTENTIONALLY single. And it feels great!
The statement is true: It is better to be alone than being with someone who makes you feel alone.

I am FAR from feeling alone now.
I have myself, my kids, my family, and my friends.
When the right guy comes along, he’ll be a part of that equation.

But for now, I’m single and lovin’ it.

HAPPINESS hit me like a ton of bricks.

Moral of the story: Choose happiness. Believe it or not, YOU have control. You have the power to make choices - from making the best of a situation to changing the situation.

Until next time!
   Yeon

Letting Go: It's Okay, Embrace the Change.

Through all that I've experienced in the last five years or so of my marriage and its end in the summer, I learned that it's okay to let things go.

Things happen. Things change. Life moves on.
What I'm saying is that it's okay if some of the things you have held dearly, loved, and enjoyed are left behind.

And I'm not just talking love or relationships.
I'm talking friendships, careers, and hobbies.
At some point, you had to let go of sleeping with your favorite teddy bear as a child.
Don't deny it, it was hard. But it got to that point where you had to let go and be a "big kid" now.

Sometimes, we outgrow our circumstances.
Maybe your relationship has grown stale. And you put in the effort to keep it alive. But it just wasn't working.
Maybe your career has become easy. You clock in. You clock out. It became meaningless.
Maybe some of the things you used to enjoy doesn't bring you as much excitement as it used to.

I once knew a girl who was so much into dinosaurs. From five years old through middle school.
It was all she talked about. Her face lit up, her eyes glazed in wonderment - it was clear it was a big part of her life. We all talked about how she would become a paleontologist or maybe a zoologist. Now? It's a thing of the past. She is actually aiming to be an interior designer now. Who woulda thunk it!

As we face different struggles and victories, it only makes sense that as our souls experience life, it yearns for growth.

I wholeheartedly believe that we NEED challenges.
I also believe that we are placed here for a reason.
The challenges that we face is our way of learning what we are capable of, where our strength lies, and what our purpose is, which in the end is to leave the world a better place in our own unique way.

I'm still discovering mine. I feel that for some people, it's innate and for others, they recognize their purpose sooner.
I'm one of those who are still searching.
But slowly and surely, I'm on my way.

I'm learning that as you unveil your life purpose, you have the choice to shed the unnecessary weight - The negative friends, the job that's holding you back taking up all your time and energy, the negative families, the backstabbers, gossiping associates, a negative relationship, etc.
I'm also learning that you yourself need to change from the inside. What's your end goal? What sort of spiritual make-over do you need to do?
You can't aim to leave the world a better a place with negativity and hatred in your heart.

I've learned that it takes time to let things go. It's not easy to leave things behind, whether it's a person, place, or thing, even if you know it's for the better. It can be scary and hard, especially during the process of ending things and enduring and welcoming the future without it. But it's like ripping off a Band-Aid: the sooner the better. But it's easier said than done - I've been there.

You don't have to believe in what I do. You don't have to believe that there's something greater you are meant to do or be. You don't have to believe in life purposes or soul searching.
But just know that, regardless of what you believe in, what your situation is, or where you are in life... it's okay to move forward. It's okay to end a chapter in your book, or heck, a whole series or volume. Your story will continue.
Learn. Grow. Change.

'til next time <3
  Yeon