When someone gets married, they don't plan on getting a divorce.
It just happens to be the solution to a marriage that failed.
Sure, some weren't prepared for marriage. But some marriages are best to end. (I fit into both categories)
But the bottom line is, no one gets married with the intention of divorcing at the end.
And when it happens, there are different phases that I see single mom goes through. Not everyone goes through every single phase.
And the phase I want to talk about is the desire of wanting to be in a relationship.
Wanting to be in a relationship isn't a bad thing, but the attitude behind it is what, I believe, counts.
I want to talk about the negative attitude of wanting a relationship.
And I'm just being real here but if this applies to you, I'm typing this from a place of NOT knowing your whole story. I'm not here to step on your toes or belittle you! And even though what I say might be abrasive or ignorant, I hope by the end of this blog, I spark a sort of inspiration or new perspective at the least.
But this is the negative attitude that I see the most (and this is NOT every single mom!)
While they are single, they are miserable.
"Ugh! I wish I had someone to talk to and vent to!"
"Darn it! I wish I had someone to cuddle up to!"
"I hate feeling so lonely! This SUCKS!"
"I just want a boyfriend!"
And when I see them in a relationship, they are happy and posting pictures of their newfound love and adventures.
And I am happy for them, truly!
But then.... it ends.
And the cycle continues...
"I hate being single!"
"Why can't I find a good man!"
As much as I have somehow found an interest in the season of being single, I'm not here to hand out dating and relationship advice.
I'm here to talk about the kids involved.
When I became single, I made it a goal, and it still is, to embody self-love, self-respect, self-confidence, courage, and happiness.
I didn't have the healthiest, happiest marriage. Nor do I expect perfection in relationships... but it was a toxic relationship that had to end.
I didn't have the courage to leave for my own sanity but I had the courage to leave for my kids.
They deserve to see an example of a happy relationship, a healthy home, a God-centered marriage.
And I hope that one day, they will be able to witness all of that.
But a year later (Happy Anniversary to me!!), I'm still single.
And guess what? That's totally okay. It's okay to be single. There's nothing wrong with being single (and wanting a relationship).
But what I don't think is okay is being miserable about it.
I know. Sometimes, it sucks.
I have stories to share that happens at work and I don't have anyone to share it with when I come home except for my kids. And their responses are barely short of, "Cool, Mom, I don't really care."
But most of the time, being single totally rocks! And I make it a point to ENJOY my singleness.
Most days, it comes naturally. Some days, I gotta force it. But that would happen even if I was in a relationship.. not everyday will be rainbows and butterflies, no matter what your circumstances are!
Here's why I think your attitude in being single matters.
Your kids are WATCHING you.
If they see that you're only happy when you're in a relationship, they're going to pick up on that and believe that being with another human being is the only way to be happy.
If they see how miserable and stressed and anxious you are while being single, they are going to think that being single SUCKS.
But instead, if you have a positive attitude, whether you are single or not, you are teaching them to have a positive attitude no matter what THEIR situation is.
Single? Great!
In a relationship? Great!
Show them that even if you're single, you can still have fun, live life, work hard, achieve goals, and grow your faith.
Show them all of this applies when your relationship status changes in any which way.
Feel whole and complete NOW in your singleness so that your kids can understand an integral part to dating: Being with someone else doesn't make you whole. Being single doesn't mean you are lacking. You are whole, before and after.
They've seen you married (or in a relationship) and for some reason, it has ended.
Show them a healthy way to cope over a break-up.
Show them a healthy attitude of being single.
Show them a healthy attitude of dating.
Show them a healthy attitude of commitment.
And this is just my own thing but show them the purpose of dating.
Show them that dating isn't just a "fill" for being lonely.
Show them dating isn't just for fun or to kill time or to have someone to do things with.
Show them what it looks like to date with intent (to marry).
Being a single mom has its rough days.
But you're doing this, alone, raising a little munchkin or 2 or 30.
You are ALREADY strong, powerful, and courageous.
So embrace your singleness and keep being a badass.
You are enough.
